Lost Connection

It was a mention, just an aside, that informed me that Chris had died. Whoa what a shock!

Chris was a mate, a fellow minister in the Uniting Church, a guy I trained together with at the Theological College all those years ago. Over the years we had quite some contact as we worked in the same larger area and we served on a committee dealing with sexual misconduct by ministers together.

Chris was a funny sort of a guy, short in stature but big in character. He had red hair, a beautiful red beard, a ready smile and a wicked wit. One of the things I remember clearly about him is that he was able to shed a tear in public well before it was fashionable to be a SNAG. He belonged to a very “churchy” family, both his Mum and Dad were very active and well known in church circles and in the Mudgee area in particular. They were what I would all a close family and when Neville died suddenly it  came as no surprise that Chris was struggling to come to terms with it.

Chris and I loosely  kept in contact and mostly I relied on the church grapevine to keep me informed about people I either trained with or had come in contact with as part of our common work . When I decided some years ago to leave the church I found myself completely cut off from all news about colleagues.  I was simply wiped from all access to news and I didn’t realise how this would affect me until events such as Chris’ death reminded me. Of course I knew that wouldn’t get news about the inner machinations of the church any longer but I hadn’t thought about news of my colleagues and fellow ministers. I didn’t know that Chris got married and I certainly didn’t know that he had cancer and died just recently. It really came as a shock, not only that Chris had died but that I had no way of offering any support to someone I actually liked a lot.

Why is it so? It always felt like a punishment for deserting the fold when I realised that I was completely cut off all news about the church at large and news about the locals specifically. I suppose my saying I dont want to belong to you lot anymore said to them that I wasn’t interested any longer but that didn’t actually mean I didn’t care about the people any more. For me it was about the philosophy and what the church stood for, it wasn’t about the people in particular. I spent years together with certain people, training, serving on committees, supporting one another as colleagues and sharing the ups and downs of life, only to find a complete blackout of information on a decision I had to make for myself. I am not sure what this says about the institution but then again this is just precisely why I couldn’t belong anymore. If you do not play by their rules and if you dare to assert your own ideas you are simply cut off. Even if this is how the institution at large plays it, why are the members themselves playing it like that?

Even when it would have been gazetted that I had resigned my membership not one person had contacted me to see how I was faring. It had been a long and at times painful process until I arrived at my decision to leave and in some way it surprised me that no one wondered or questioned what might have happened to me. With one exception I can say that no one cared or gave a shit as my husband would say.

There are many of my former colleagues I am now thinking about and I wonder what might be happening in their lives. How will I know if something major happens? I am cut off the grapevine well and truly and I feel sad about that.

I was looking at the UCA website this afternoon and as  an outsider I realised how little access to real information I now have. If you do not belong to us you will not be given any information about us it said to me. I used to see this when I was interested in other religious groups and tried to glean information through their sites but never really saw that it applied to my own. Interest groups but religious groups in particular have almost impenetrable borders around themselves. Unless you profess to belong to them and align yourself with their thinking and their rules you are kept on the outside.. If you are not an insider you have no right to know. To some extent that is scary to me. What is it they are protecting?

Of course now I am thinking about many others and I wonder who else has gone,  is sick or might need a hello. I will have to rely on the Universe to send me a message about those I care for,  regardless of their religious affiliation. Lucky then that I still believe there is something greater than us I can tap into.